Are You a People-Pleaser? How a Therapist in CT Can Help You Break Generational Patterns
Inter-generational trauma can be passed down from generation to generation
Saying "no" can be challenging due to various factors, including people-pleasing tendencies, cultural and familial conditioning as some cultures may discourage saying "no," viewing it as disrespectful. Low self-esteem can also make it harder to set boundaries, while workplace pressures and fear of jeopardizing career advancement add to the difficulty. Additionally, individuals in codependent relationships may avoid saying "no" out of a sense of responsibility for others’ emotions and fear of abandonment. However, not saying "no" can create more problems, especially your mental well-being. It often leads to emotional overwhelm, burnout, resentment, strained relationships, and even compromise your physical health from headaches, insomnia, digestive issues, or even long-term health problems like high blood pressure. The stakes are high! If you’ve always put others first at the expense of your own needs, you’re not alone.
Therapists in Connecticut, particularly those specializing in CBT, mindfulness, and psychodynamic therapy, provide clients with holistic approaches to help you find lasting change.
What Is People-Pleasing and How Does It Affect Your Well-Being?
Do you struggle to say no, keep on saying you’re sorry, constantly worry you’ll disappoint others, always put others’ needs before yours, feel guilty if you take care of yourself, and aren’t sure if your needs are really needs and not just you being selfish?
Trauma can be passed down and difficult to break out of. Not only does it change your emotional landscape but your physical one as well.
These are some of the most common signs of a people-pleaser. The more you keep on focusing on others and not yourself, the worse your anxiety and mental health become.
The Link Between People-Pleasing and Generational Patterns
We know that people-pleasers don’t come from nowhere. It’s been conditioned and reinforced from childhood. See if these sound familiar.
It's not a big deal; don’t make a fuss.
You’re being so difficult!
Don’t rock the boat!
Other people have it worse, so be grateful.
Stop crying; you're making things harder for everyone.
Be nice to everyone, even if they hurt you.
It’s your fault. Why are you like this?
You were told that it’s always best to avoid conflicts so that meant your feelings, however intense, are never valid, and certainly not acceptable to show in front of everyone. You were told that being helpful and easy going were expected and praised and expressing how you felt and thought were punished. Family dysfunction and secret were always swept under the rug and tacitly understood to NEVER mention it or even acknowledge its existence.
Signs You May Be Stuck in a Generational Cycle of People-Pleasing
People who have internalized messages about not rocking the boat and always putting others first, struggle with saying no feel guilty and may overcommit to avoid disappointing others. They tend to prioritize peace over their own needs, apologizing excessively and feeling responsible for managing others' emotions. Avoiding conflict becomes second nature, leading to suppressed feelings like sadness, resentment, and anger, and an ongoing fear of being seen as selfish or difficult.
Their self-worth is often tied to how much they do for others, making them seek external validation while struggling to ask for help themselves. Over time, this can result in frustration, resentment, and burnout, as they continuously put others before themselves while ignoring their own needs. Thoughts like "I don’t want to be a burden," "If I take care of everyone, they’ll appreciate me," or "It’s easier to just go along with it" keep them trapped in a cycle of self-sacrifice, making it difficult to form authentic and balanced relationships.
Many people who struggle with putting themselves first often find themselves in situations where they prioritize others at their own expense. Sarah, exhausted after a long week, agrees to help a friend move because she doesn’t want to seem selfish, even though she feels resentment bubbling underneath. Jason dreads family gatherings where relatives make jokes at his expense, but instead of speaking up, he forces a smile, thinking, "It’s easier to just laugh along than cause a scene." At work, Mia takes on extra projects despite feeling overwhelmed, fearing that saying no would make her look ungrateful. Meanwhile, Alex prioritizes his partner’s needs over his own in his relationship, only to realize that no one notices his struggles because he never speaks up.
These scenarios highlight the struggle of those who avoid rocking the boat—constantly saying yes, suppressing their needs, and fearing conflict or rejection. While keeping the peace may feel easier in the moment, it often leads to burnout, resentment, and the painful realization that always accommodating others comes at the cost of personal happiness.
How a Therapist in CT Can Help You Set Boundaries with Confidence
Finding a therapist helps you identify and shift these unhealthy patterns and family structure. You can start creating change that breaks this cycle of denying your needs and invalidating your feelings and thoughts.
Insight can be profound and life-changing, but in order to create lasting change and healing, you need to find ways and actions to break the mold. The first step is to recognize there is this negative pattern that you’ve been taught was good and normal and the second step is to create boundaries and learning to say. “No.” It is not easy and certainly not simple, but it takes one person to break the chain of intergenerational trauma to create change and healing.
If you’re ready to stop living in the painful past and ready to break the cycle, contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation.